Because you're you
by blahruto
Summary: Over time, Sasuke's become confident in two things. The first is that he's irreparably and unarguably broken. The second is Naruto. Occasionally, the two clash.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Y'know what would be a plot twist? If the owner of Naruto spent their free time writing sappy fanfiction about it.

Warnings: hurt/comfort, sad!suke, badly written emotional content, awkward Sasuke, unconventional portrayals of their relationship (and by that I mean it's super serious and topsy turvy because Naruto has forgiven Sasuke but Sasuke isn't sure that he's forgiven himself.)

Note: I approach Sasuke in a... sort of uncommon way to approach him,,, and by that I mean he's self deprecating genius mind who spends a lot of time in an argument with himself. Weird! Dude, this fic is like so weird. Also, I fully engage in disregarding the shitty, awful thing that was issue 700, because SasuSaku is toxic and NaruHina makes just as little sense if you think about it. Kishimoto is clearly crazy and that issue was trash. Pure trash.

|| Because you're Naruto ||

_Messy_, he considered, studying his reflection in the mirror. More specific; studying the scratches he'd received from an impromptu sparring match last night. They were thin, clean cuts, standing out brightly atop less noticeable scars, smooth and all coloured a pink so light that it almost blended in with his sleek alabaster skin. His now quite long hair was disarray, facing up in every angle that exists, sticking in stubborn tufts some places, swirled in soft-looking loops others. His eyes looked tired. His eyes always looked tired. (Broken), his mind supplied instead.

The house was not mess or broken unlike him. When people (his...his friends? Is that a word he can use, yet? Does he have friends? Besides...?) Naruto's friends come by, they tease (Is it teasing?) their surprise at the house's good condition, they always use the same lines about how he must spend half his day cleaning to keep up with living with a messy knucklehead like Naruto. (There's something in their voices when they talk about him. A fondness.) (But don't bother dwelling on it, Uchiha.) They say this in effort to make conversation, pitiful smalltalk, because no one really knows what to say to Sasuke, and Sasuke doesn't really know what to say, either. Usually he doesn't say anything at all. (They prefer that, trust me.)

Regardless of what people say (Joke. They joke. You understand the term, don't you?) The house was perfect. It was newly built, so it still smelled unfamiliar, but in a way you still know you're safe (safe? Did he need to feel safe? When did he come to rely on the feeling? Was he safe here?), and that there are familiar things awaiting you. A large kitchen, two bedrooms, a nice livingroom with a door leading outside to a small pond, glistening beautifully in the sunset. You could easily step outside and enjoy the fresh air, the sounds of fish making their way of life. It made a good place to think, a nice place to calm himself down when he awoke during the night shaking. He never used the second bedroom. Although when Naruto and his friends were building it, he had specifically catered to Sasuke's needs- a window, some thinking space, and even a nice bed he'd picked out, Sasuke only set foot in the room occasionally. He preferred to sleep by the door. It saved time.

It was admittedly so clean because he was here all day, just as his (Naruto's) friends thought. He was sort of being kept prisoner, except instead of iron bars and cheap food, he gets domestic life. He gets Naruto. But he also gets solitude for hours at a time while Naruto works. It's something he's used to, but it feels worse today, now. He doesn't remember fighting with himself so much. (What's the matter? You already guessed that you're broken. This is part of that.)

Occasionally, select anbu members will escort him outside for fresh air. Not often, they let him practice, train, which was an argument that Naruto and (idiotically) Sakura fought on his behalf. Naruto argued because he understands. Sakura argued because she understands medicine. If he didn't get the chance to use it regularly, exercise the muscle, there could be complications in his new arm, and that we don't want to risk his chakra flow getting disrupted. He was here, every day all day besides his rare strolls outside. Keeping his house, their house clean was comforting. Nice home. Nice life. Something they'll have to always come back to. (Why are you always afraid he isn't going to come back? You're the one who admitted defeat, not him. You're the one who's cursed.)

Yesterday... something went wrong. Yesterday his mind played tricks on him and it crushed him for the moments he couldn't convince himself it was fake. Yesterday he got hurt.

_Broken_, he thought again. The word kept popping up in the back of his mind, like an itch he couldn't scratch. (You do scratch it. You scratch it until it bleeds. That's who you are.) So why does Naruto...? _Don't dwell on that, _he cursed himself internally. He chose to deeply concentrate on better, nicer things. He had some good things. (He is the good thing. What else do you have? The only thing you ever even remember having had is him. It's your fault, you ruined it.)

Naruto's cooking, he decided. He thought intensely about when it's almost dark and the idiot comes out of the kitchen; beaming proudly after slaving an entire day away in the kitchen. At first he'd been restless, not having any missions to attend to, not knowing how to spend his free time when he wasn't helping out friends, or helping the town rebuild itself from the ground up. Naruto had started simple, taking back up his childhood hobby of gardening (he didn't tell you that. You observed. Why'd you bother to remember? Why study him?) but being Naruto, he had to take it to the extreme, so he learned how to cook, through trial and error seeming to study it obsessively. Sasuke wondered if he'd employed this level of effort when he was training as a child. (He worked even harder for you.) Sasuke missed that time a bit. He hadn't talked as much, but Naruto did. Chatting away about little things, filling the silences with an essence of himself. Sometimes he'd ask Sasuke to taste something he made, other times he'd insist he did with that stubborn determination he had. He always carefully observed Sasuke's reactions, learning what he liked and didn't and for some reason caring, often spontaneously deciding to try something new he was positive he would like. Usually, Sasuke did. (Or you just liked the attention.)

Sometimes when he cooked, he'd close his eyes, smiling and humming old playground songs, swaying to himself. The smell of the house would synchronize itself with whatever Naruto was cooking, and the whole thing seemed to hum comfortably, the earth following and moulding itself in Naruto's existence. (Yeah. It's the earth.) In those moments his brain had nothing to say. He had nothing to say. He would sit in the doorway to the kitchen, hands folded, eyes watching Naruto tiredly. Once or twice, when the voice shut up and he sunk into the feeling of home, he even hummed along.

_Naruto was definitely a good thing. _

Sasuke's heart thudded quicker at the thought. It had done that a lot, lately. Even worse was that it ached uncontrollably whenever he wasn't here, which was often, whenever Sasuke thought too hard about him not being here. (Of course, you know what that means, right?) He studied his own reflection harder. His cheeks were now tainted with red, in obvious contrast to his pale form. He had to start moving, stop thinking, start doing something that wasn't...pining. Uchiha men do not pine. (How do you know? Have you ever asked one? Uchihas are human. In fact, stuff like this, the emotional things are the ones your eyes can't help you with. The things Uchihas aren't immune to. You know what it's like for a Uchiha to fall in -)

"Stop it." He hissed, interrupting the new topic his mind was trying to torture him with. He pointedly didn't think as he punched the wall in frustration, knuckles making a hard cracking noise against the wood. His left arm, still tingling with a sense of alien feeling stung stubbornly at the contact, but did not let up. He was sure, if his arm hadn't been regrown carefully with his war-found powers, his hand would have broke. He frowned at the palm of his hand, eyes scanning for something he knew wasn't there anymore. (But you don't really care about the mark. Just who it connected you to.) He didn't want to make a habit of defiantly arguing with himself, (implying you haven't already?) but he had to admit, he was starting to get on his own nerves.

"Y'need a hobby, teme." A voice told him. He turned around, heart thudding quickly again. He hadn't bothered to feel for him. He was...surprised. Naruto looked calm- which was odd, because he wasn't known for being so. His spiky hair, a speculative unnatural shade of sunshine gold was just as disheveled as usual, his usual assaulting outfit of bright orange discarded at the door. He smiled, and Sasuke exhaled forcefully.

"I need permission to leave this house." Sasuke muttered irritably. "Not another brief distraction from living in it." He regretted the words almost as soon as they came out, because although they were true and he was definitely tired of being cooped up all the time, he didn't want to give the impression he deserved even this. He deserved worse. He had no right to say anything different, and he didn't want to imply that Naruto was a punishment.

He looked down, fiddling absently with the bandages adorning his right half from last night. When he fights; it's the only time he feels confident in himself anymore. Like he doesn't have to analyze what he's doing. It's alright to just...be. But he's also terrified. Terrified of his autopilot, terrified of how normal it is to fight, terrified of one day actually hurting... (Hurting him. Again. Not that anyone would really be surprised. It's your specialty.)

"Tsunade said it's just another month, 'suke. Then you can do whatever. Even join the counsel. No way they wouldn't want someone like you in it. You could teach... Even go on missions, once we start getting commissioned again." Naruto recited, treading carefully around the subject. Neither Naruto nor Sasuke were entirely sure what the future held for him in Konoha.

"A month..." He looked off, thinking to himself, not really processing the rest of Naruto's thought. Would Naruto kick him out right away? Or wait a while? Would he subtly hint at it, or bluntly shove ultimatums at him? (You'll never be able to handle that.)

"Honestly, I'm kind of pissed they don't trust me. I mean, after everything..." Naruto grumbled.

"It's me they don't trust." Sasuke assured him. (Assured him? Naruto didn't need anyone to assure him. Let alone Sasuke.) "You know that." _And if they don't trust you, it's because you're the idiot who forgave me. _

"They don't trust you, they don't trust me. What's the difference? They know we come together."

Still _so_ sure of him. Still so sure that he was _worth_ it. All these years later, he still had the same cocky grin, the same heroic stance that made you want to trust him, made you feel like you were going to be okay. That you could be okay with him. The smile... the impossibly distracting eyes that radiated a feeling within you, made you feel like you were... safe? Safety...There's that word again. "Safe." He whispered unintentionally. What about when this ends? When he loses the accumulated safety? What then?

"What's that, 'suke?"

Shaking it off, Sasuke crossed his arms, looking away again. "Are you... You still... sure about me?" He asked, tenderly. He stepped a bit closer, not sure of what his motives were. (Are you going to hurt Naruto?) _No_. _No_, he insisted against that damned voice. _Never again._

"Of course." Naruto shrugged, as if it was nothing. Always as if it was nothing. "I never go back on my word. 'Member?" He looked the older man up and down, how seemingly unstable he was now. Not fragile though, not really. In the weirdest way, Naruto is happy it's okay for Sasuke to be like this around him, be a little unhinged, for him to be able to feel the roughness around Sasuke's edges. It might be bad to say; but he's happy with Sasuke, he's happy to have him in his life like this again. He just really wished Sasuke could be happy, too. He needs that, after everything. Naruto wants to be able to make him happy, just like when they were kids. Some things never do change.

Sasuke furrowed his brows, a frown resting on his still beautiful face. He looked at him through lidded lashes, thinking of a way to phrase a question he had no idea how to ask, but that he did ask; frequently, every day, because it was always on his mind, always with him in the backdrop of his thoughts.

"Why?" He managed. "Why... me?" (Why do you care about me? Why did you forgive me? What makes you think I deserve it? Why do you trust me so much? Do you trust me? Do you _love_me? Do I... Can I?) He stepped lightly, almost meekly towards the blond, the gauze shifting slightly, irritating the packaged half of his perfectly sculpted body. Naruto's eyes glanced downwards to them. What was in his eyes? (Why can't you tell? What is he thinking? How was he feeling?)

"'Cause...you're my friend." Naruto reasoned. It was the same reason he always told him. He still asked it every day. When did the great last remaining Uchiha become dependent on a life of reassurances? What would his brother think?

His fingers came out to rest on Sasuke's shoulders, his darkly tanned complexion contrasting starkly to that of Sasuke's; a deep olive next to a bright white. He worried his lip, almost like he was thinking hard. Sasuke wondered again in frustration about what nonsensical, overdriven, idiotic things could possibly silence someone who always has something to say. He didn't know what to say.

"You can't know for sure..." Sasuke trailed, as he did every day. He always made the same arguments, bringing himself back to the same level of doubt in his head. If he didn't trust himself, why did Naruto? Everything he had done in his life was wrong. Everything was overdramatic, bigger than it needed to be, and it was usually a mistake. (You know this, yet it doesn't stop you from continually doing the same thing over and over, ruining everything with a passion. Why?) God damn it; couldn't the voice just stay consistent?

"Maybe not. But..." Naruto grinned, "I'll never give up on you."

Sasuke's eyes welled with tears, causing him to quickly look away. (Get ahold of yourself, Uchiha.) He sniffed slightly, wiping his mouth with his hand distractedly. Images of a broken, beat up Naruto flashed behind his eyelids and he cringed.

_Get ahold of yourself. _

"So! I was talkin' with Sakura-chan, earlier." Naruto blathered, filling Sasuke's silence with semi-relevant chitchat. He was quietly grateful for this. He can't remember ever being incredibly talkative, and Naruto's voice was good white noise, it let him focus on a calming presence, letting him away from his mind for a few seconds. (What are you trying to escape, Uchiha? When you know that you can't? It's not leaving. It's you. Your feelings. Your mistakes, your humanity. Your-)

_Stop it._

"Hey, Sasuke? You okay?" Naruto inquired, placing some food in front of Sasuke. Instead of ramen, or some hastily thrown together storebought food like people expect of the blond, it was genuine , home-cooked onigiri, with some curious skewers of tomato, sprinkled with some interesting black and green spices. He chuckled inwardly at the concept of his (_his_? Yours? No. Stop thinking like that.) Naruto, elbows deep in elaborate recipes, wrestling with things like spices and proportions and the specifics cooking entailed. Of course... who knows? Sasuke was never any good at that stuff.

"I'm fine." He replied. Bad day. It was just a bad day. There'd been a lot of those lately. He tried to sleep through the worst bits, but his subconscious would not relent, taunting him with vivid depictions of everything he had come to fear, everyone he'd come to fear losing. (Every one person? Exactly who are you kidding?) Obsessing over everyone he'd already lost. He chastised himself thoroughly. (What good is it to dwell on nightmares and push real life away? What must it be like for Naruto to live with you, who never talks and cries in his sleep? Why do you do this? Why do I do this?)

"It's...noisy today." He added, looking away. He didn't like to see Naruto think of him as weak or strange. He didn't like to see him and know that he was hurt because of his trainwreck of a friend.

"Hey." Naruto spoke up. Sasuke looked at him with a type of cautious curiosity, unsure of what to expect. Sometimes he was sad, sometimes he was hopeful. A few times, he's been angry, frustrating them both with questions of moving past this. Sasuke was apologetic in behaviour, quieting himself, minimizing his damage, not trusting himself and second guessing when he did. He couldn't pretend he deserved better than how his life fared lately. What could he do? What did he deserve? He was broken. (Of course it's him to be the only irreparable soul in the world, the only one who could make this as convoluted. It is what it is.)

"We're gonna get through this." Naruto promised. "That's just how we are."

_That's how you are_, he thought, but didn't say. _You're stupidly hopeful. If you were smart you'd give up. _(You don't want him to, though.) _That doesn't change the fact he should. _

Changing the subject, Naruto chattered on happily about Sakura -she and Rock Lee had started dating. Sasuke didn't find it as strange as Naruto did. Her best option had been Naruto, and all his effort had been placed in him. (It's so like you to keep him from happiness.) His friends- Sai talking about his date with Ino, Hinata and Kiba's newly developing relationship, Kakashi's nonsense. Further explaining the progress of rebuilding the town, funny things that were said, arguments that were had, jokes that were told, and overall, lessons that were learned. It seemed like all his friends were growing up, moving into relationships, doing more for themselves. It made Sasuke feel nostalgic, almost. His head quieted down after a while, enough new information to process, enough warmth in his presence to forget the war in his mind for a little while.

_Maybe that can be enough_, he pleaded, though to whom he was not entirely sure. Some all seeing, all knowing force, something bigger than it all. _Maybe your hope is enough. _

He woke up shaking. He bolted straight out of bed, so urgent and afraid it was a wonder he hadn't ripped out a stitch or two. The wounds burned slightly and he focused on it in his haze of terror, sweat dripping from his face, his shoulders, his chest, down the back of his neck. He realized he was crying, body convulsing with the effort of restraining his whimpers. The room was dark and the air was thick, making it hard to breathe. Once he calmed down enough to realize he was awake, and that the visions that once danced before his eyelids were a mere figment of his internal masochism and exhaustion, he came to the conclusion he wasn't alone in the room. Comforting hands, comforting smells. Slowing his breaths to the point he could count Naruto's heartbeats in the silence, he focused. (Focused on keeping the visions out. Why are you so scared? This wouldn't be a problem if you could protect yourself. If you could protect anyone.)

"Shut...up!" He ground out, tears leaking from his eyes frustratedly. (This is what it is to be broken.) "Shut up! Shut up!" He shouted and pressed his palms hard into his close eyes, watching the dark turn to colours, strange patterns calmly emerging from nowhere. His hands were wet. ( You don't deserve redemption.) I _KNOW THAT. HOW COULD I EVER FORGET? _

"It's me. I'm here, Sasuke, it's okay. You're okay." _It wasn't me I was worried for. It was because of me. It's all my fault. _He let out a stifled sob, his clenched teeth letting out a small burst of air in effort to hold it in. _Please don't let me hurt you. _Naruto's arms fastened themselves around Sasuke almost instinctively, no words, no hesitations, and Sasuke found himself, even despite his fingers clenched in Naruto's shirt, his uncontrollable rage at himself, his body shaking in pathetic attempts to resist this -what his life was, now- leaning into the embrace, depending on it, white knuckles clenched, soaking Naruto's shirt with reminders of exactly how human he was.

Naruto murmured barely discernible whispers resembling sweet nothings, distracting Sasuke like it was the most important thing in the world, telling him about anything and everything to make him okay for a little bit. His words were gentle and thoughtful, nothing like anyone would hear from his brash persona outside of an insightful speech to an enemy. His words were tender. They caressed him, lulled him. After what seemed like hours, his tears choked off into occasional sobs, leaving him lighter, emptier.

He fell asleep like that, in Naruto's arms, calmed by his unique scent of miso and mint, his voice scratchy, tired, but unrelenting. The last thing he felt was a soft touch of lips on his forehead, like a mother's loving caress to her child.

He did not suffer his dream again that night.

This time, he awoke calmly, alone and feeling groggish, his face stiff with the residue of last night's incident. He realized that he felt lonesome at the absence of Naruto's presence with him, but it was hardly the blond's fault. For one, Naruto probably knew Sasuke would feel embarrassed of last night and didn't want to give him any immediate reminders or force him to breach the subject by staying. Plus, Sasuke had no way of knowing what time it was. It could be early morning, late afternoon, or any variation. He was not good at keeping time anymore. Looking around, he realized that he wasn't actually alone, that Naruto was sitting across the room near the door that lead out to their yard, studying a scroll in the natural light.

"D'ya want me or Sakura to change your bandages?" Naruto piped up at last, setting aside his scroll, the sides of which squeaked metallically as it was slid across the hard wood floor. "I've gotten pretty good at them myself y'know, but Sakura insisted we could call her if we need anything."

"I can change them myself."

"Don't be stubborn, teme."

"I'm not a child." He intoned.

"You're not an octopus, either. It's no big deal, it's what friends-"

"No, Naruto!" He snapped. Lowering his voice, he paced himself. "I want to do it myself. I don't need to be handled like glass. Stop acting like I do." (Don't you?) _Shut up._

Naruto looked at him hard, studying his face like a puzzle, calculating his response. Sasuke felt himself losing his temper, felt himself wrestle with helplessness. Why? Why is he so angry over this? (Because you can't change.) _Why? Why?!_

"Okay." Naruto nodded. "I'll go get the stuff." Naruto left the room, leaving Sasuke to think. He'd overreacted. But Naruto hadn't said anything. Again, he had had taken him for granted, pushed him away again, after he'd reached out so many times before, after his hand had been smacked away again and again. Sasuke was sure he was used to it, but he also agonized over how many more times he could impulsively slap that hand away before it didn't come back for him.

(Before it didn't come back to save you?) _I don't need saving. (_Only because you can't possibly be saved.) _Leave me alone. (_Even you have to realize how pathetic that sounded.)

Naruto returned, handing Sasuke the first aid kit. He sat down across from him, evidently ready to help if needed. Sasuke arched an eyebrow at him curiously.

"I, uh, am technically not supposed to be letting you do this yourself." Naruto mentioned, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Will you get in trouble?" Sasuke asked, tilting his head to analyze the blond.

"Nah. It's just Sakura! She loves me." He joked. "But to be safe, I should take off your bandages. I don't want those stitches poppin' out. I'm a shitty repairman."

Sasuke nodded in cooperation, looking down at the kit. It had a smear of dried blood on one half in the shape of a hand, like a desperate idiot had fumbled through his own wounds to tend another's, clutching his own bleeding openings but rushing panicked to attend the other's._It's just Sakura_, his mind repeated. _She loves me._ (Everybody loves you, Naruto.)

Naruto came beside Sasuke, fingers grazing his soft torso skittishly before firmly , firmly holding and moving his arms upwards, folding at the elbow behind his head so they were criss-crossed on top of eachother. Sasuke watched him with knowing eyes, feeling a sense of vulnerability he was not yet accustomed to, but that was strangely inviting. He considered making a jab about if Naruto was going to tickle him or cut off his bandages, but there was something off about Naruto today. A word Sasuke didn't know. A delicate level of affection in his actions. He didn't cut them right away. He was distracted, seemingly, his hands roaming over Sasuke's various wounds. His brows were furrowed in thought, his fingers still feather-light, making sure not to agitate anything. Sasuke almost thought he was going to try to kiss the gnarled red marks away. (It's honestly a little sad that you wish he would.) His fingers left tingling trails on his skin.

He watched him as he finally reached for the first aid kit, taking the scissors and making a careful snip in the gauze. With the same rounded delicacy, he started to unwrap the gauze, slowly, making sure to look up at any indication there might be pain, verify he's okay. It was weird to see this level of concern for his physical wounds in someone who was so proud of his ability to give him them. (Like how you insult him but feel like no one else has the right to do so? No one else understands him enough to say those things like you? Even then...)

Naruto coughed, looking away discreetly when the gauze was gone. When Sasuke looked down, it didn't seem too bad. The stitches were still holding, though a little less tightly after last night, and blood was crusted over in some areas lighter than others, but it appeared to be healing alright. He might not even end up with a scar, after all.

"After the month is over...how soon do you want me out?" Sasuke asked idly as he disinfected his wound. It stung slightly, not enough for a seasoned hardass like himself to notice. He looked onto Naruto with a blank expression. He didn't want to know the answer. He knew he didn't want to know the answer, but it was stuck on his mind and he needed to fill the silence with something. (You're lying to yourself. Your wound is healing. It doesn't hurt anymore. But maybe you want it to. You're punishing yourself.)

(Good.)

"I don't." Naruto answered. "Want you out, I mean. I... like how it is right now. Spending time with you, and stuff. I just assumed you'd wanna get your own place."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed slightly. Why does Naruto have to pretend Sasuke isn't a burden? Who is he kidding? He _likes it how it is right now?_ With Sasuke leaning on him all the time, breathing down his neck, his endless insecurities, immeasurable baggage- what about this could _possibly_ not suck? (It's this over what you put him through the last several years. Of course he'd prefer this inconvenience to that pain.)

"Hn." The bandages he was wrapping turned out to be harder than planned. He attempted to unsnag the stubborn gauze and his torso ended up twisting enough to cause him to let out a sharp exhale of pain in surprise. Wordlessly, Naruto assisted, finishing the roll of gauze and taping it securely on the older man. Again, his hands lingered, almost against his will, trailing down his abdomen.

"Stand up."

Sasuke did. Even though he suspected that neither of them knew what the blond was doing, Sasuke followed Naruto's lead, not unlike many other times before. Naruto surprised them both by sliding his fingers under one of the lower bandages as it slid down the other's waste, kneeling to tape it back up. Before he did, he stopped, and just once-just quickly laid a kiss on Sasuke's stomach. There was no pain there. No wound to heal. Just ...Sasuke. Maybe that meant something. Maybe he wanted it to mean something. His cheeks flourished a bright pink, his skin tingling and chest fluttering in surprise. Even now, he was the only person he'd ever kissed. The only person who had ever kissed him. He wondered what that meant. And what it meant that he liked that.

Not feeling- or seeing a negative reaction from Sasuke, he did it again. And again, and again. Peppering kisses on any clear area of skin he could find. Softly, out of curiosity. Gently. Lovingly...? What was this? What were they doing? His heart rate quickened. He felt hotter, needier. He didn't know what that was or what he wanted, exactly, just that he wanted... more. Naruto peeked up at him, bright cerulean eyes behind thick pale golden lashes. Abruptly, he stood up, his dark skin even betraying a glimpse of the aggressive blush adorning his cheeks. He didn't say anything, but he wasn't cold about it. He cleared his throat and left the room hurriedly, hand covering his mouth awkwardly.

Sasuke watched him go, confused and unsure of most things once again. He hesitantly sat back down, mentally going over the last few minutes (four minutes, twenty two .3 seconds) as if his life depended on it, wondering what it was that just happened, if he'd done something wrong. Wondering what Naruto was thinking... and if he was just as confused as Sasuke was right now, why he didn't stop Naruto's affections, why he liked (?) it. Why when it's Naruto, he goes along with him unconditionally, no matter how little faith he has in the plan himself, even after all this time.

(Regardless of those things, you need him.)

_I know_. He replied to himself.

"Hey, Sasuke? Naruto inquired later that night at dinner. He'd been out all day, helping with construction on some of the last houses. It'd been a year since the war, but due to several complications (even besides the average 3-4 month recovery rate for a large amount of shinobi who were crucially injured) it took longer than the Hokage had hoped. Realistically, of course, it's surprising it got done as fast as it did. Inevitably, without Naruto's help and his chakra, it likely wouldn't have.

He hadn't been home, so neither had spoken of what happened earlier. Furthermore, Sasuke had decided he refused to be the one broach the subject. He had no idea what it was. What they were doing. What he was doing, letting him do what he did-(God, even your subconscious is a clusterfuck of convoluted confusion. Is anything at all in your life certain?) _Yes_, he replies immediately. _Naruto. It had to be._

"Hn?" He acknowledged.

"Are you still wanting to be Hokage?" He stared, playing with his food more than eating it. He'd come in directly from working out in the sun all day, so he was drenched with sweat, faintly smelling of something familiar, something nostalgic Sasuke couldn't place. (Even after a hard day of work, he cooked for you. Why?) Sasuke's eyes trailed down to Naruto's hands, course from woodwork, paying special attention to places that weren't relevant to a professional observation.

(His lips are full but chapped. Are they naturally so pink? Where'd he get that scar on his shoulder? How have his other scars healed? Has his arm regrown as smoothly as yours? Why now? Why are you noticing this now? Why are you wondering this now? How low have you sunk?)

"...I don't think so." Sasuke said at last.

"Oh?" He set his plate aside. "Why?"

"Every time I made a large decision like that in the past it went to hell. Maybe..." _I could still help out. I could still help you. Help you make this town better, fix all the mistakes of hatred that have been made. No one's better at that than you. _He thought. He thought...because he could never actually say that. (You're a coward. You can't help anything.)

"Huh. Well, y'know, once this whole thing's cleared up, the village could still use you. Even if you're not Hokage."

Sasuke chuckled darkly, looking at his plate stubbornly. "No one could use me."

"Shut up, Sasuke." Naruto frowned. Sasuke looked up at him in surprise. Naruto let out a sigh of exasperation. "Stop saying shit like that. This isn't like you!"

"Funny." Sasuke spat bitterly. "Here I thought I knew myself."

"Well, you don't, asshole. And it ain't your job to. I'll do it for you. Stop being like this. You have people who care about you, people who want you to- people who want you to be happy. People _can_ forgive you!"

"Who says I want them to?" Sasuke replied. "Who says I think I should be?"

"That's fucking stupid. Everyone deserves to be forgiven. You know that! No matter what you do. 'Sides, did you forget that you helped end the war? You earned that! You earned forgiveness-"

"I didn't. You're the only one who doesn't see that."

"You're wrong. Stop being an idiot! You have people who care about you, and it ain't just me."

"I don't need people. I don't want them. They don't understand." Sasuke argued. "All I have..." Is you. (Which you don't deserve._) I don't understand that, do we ever deserve people? Do we earn the ones who love us? (_Love? You? Who could love you?) _I don't know. I don't know... (_Why can't you decide? Do you deserve redemption or are you just hypocritical enough to want it?)

Wordlessly, Naruto stood up, effectively ending the conversation. He collected the dinner plates and receded into the kitchen, leaving Sasuke alone with his thoughts. It was generally a bad idea to do that, his mind racing almost as quickly as Naruto was gone. He hadn't expected Naruto's quick re-arrival in their livingroom, because Naruto couldn't possibly understand the noise in his head right now. After all he was perfectly fine leaving Sasuke to think during the day. There was barely any difference. (He told you when you hurt he could feel it, too. Why are you doubting him?)

"Ne, teme. We should shower." Naruto grinned, same enthusiastic voice as when he was twelve and had another brilliant bonehead idea that would surely end in either danger or detention. Back then, he always knew it would turn out badly yet always tagged along. All these years later, he was still awful at resisting the games of Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto's appearance had changed outright, no longer a trace of irritation or anger of any kind. (Suspicious.) _Why does it have to be_?

Sasuke scowled. "I am capable of bathing by myself." He retorted. "You don't need to supervise me."

Naruto nodded. "I know." Clearly not intending on saying anything else, he calmly walked to their bathroom, not closing the door behind him. Sasuke faintly heard Naruto's footsteps creaking around the bathroom, waiting intently for any indication that this invitation was some kind of... what? He had no idea what to think. He didn't know what that idiot was thinking.

Without him fully conscious of it, his feet carried him to the door, standing uncertainly in front of it. Through the wide crack it was open, Sasuke saw Naruto, crouched over and adjusting the temperature of the water, still clothed. The inside of the bathroom itself was nice, spacious. The floors were a tiled sand coloured and the walls were a dark, wood stained brown up until the top half which was an almost brick-like pattern of wood. It had two shower heads, as the shower itself took up a great portion of the bathroom, separated by a long, thin glass door that Sasuke always felt was a liability. The shower's bottom was a maroon brown with a large drain in the middle.

"Yo, teme." Naruto smiled.

"...My bandages." Sasuke asked, still unsure about Naruto's invitation. What does it mean?

"They can't expect you not to bathe. We can cut the bandages off and give you new ones when you're dried."

Sasuke nodded. Naruto stepped over to him swiftly, surely. He slipped off Sasuke's dark blue robe deliberately slowly. Softly. Almost as if he was being sure not to push too much intimacy on him, which Sasuke found ridiculous considering what he was doing. Quickly, he grew tired of the careful attitude. He finished shrugging off his robe, gesturing for Naruto to hold his arms up before he clumsily dragged the other's shirt off. Naruto looked surprised, but overall pretty pleased. He still looked sure. Sasuke still was not.

Naruto, having received the memo, made quick work of the older man's bandages, pulling them gently but hastily away from his body.

"Pretty eager for a shower, teme." He teased.

"You smell bad." He quipped. Naruto laughed. "Stop tiptoeing around me. I'm not going to break if you pull too hard."

"That's not why I'm being like this." Naruto insisted. Sasuke shook his head.

"Then you make even less sense than I thought, usuratonkachi."

Naruto shrugged. He looked down and coughed.

"It's a shower." Naruto noted. At first, Sasuke was confused because even Naruto wouldn't feel the need to state something that obvious... before realizing what he meant. They were both still wearing clothes. He nodded. He was a ninja; he had obviously stripped in front of people before. He'd shared hilariously close quarters with a large variety of people. He had even bathed with people before; people he was much less comfortable around, people with gawking eyes and superficial attractions to him. He wondered why he was more hesitant here. Seeing very obviously no way around it, Sasuke tied a towel around his waist, slipping his pants off under them. He turned and looked at Naruto questioningly, before stepping in the shower, as if challenging him. Naruto, who'd always been very proud of his body (and rightfully, Sasuke mentally notated), had no qualms with stripping in front of anyone. He slipped off his pants carelessly and stepped into the shower after him. As soon as he did, the ice cold water shocked the younger, making him let out a high pitched cry of terror.

"OH! SWEET KAMI-SAMA, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME IT WAS F-FREEZING IN HERE?" Naruto screeched.

"To see your expression once you found out yourself." He almost smiled. (Don't pretend this is normal.)

"Yeah right! More like you wanted to distract yourself from my t-totally hot bod." He stuttered out, hurrying to adjust the temperature. Sasuke stifled a laugh, quirking an eyebrow in delight.

"Ne, dobe. If your body is so hot, I suspect it should even the temperature out itself, hn?"

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, pretty boy." Naruto pouted, water finally starting to heat up. "How's that not bother you, anyway?"

"Orochimaru." He left it at that. Naruto wasn't fond of hearing about Orochimaru's teaching tactics. He would always be so intent to know, but end up furious, cursing out an enemy that wasn't even there anymore. That wasn't even really there, in the end. Naruto's expression hardened, and he looked away, knowing he didn't want to know the details. Details just remind him of how he failed. Sasuke didn't want to lose how he'd felt moments before. His emotions had been moving around in a predictable yet uncertain pattern of sadness, doubt, fear, confusion and then happiness for a slight moment before choosing one of the above to roll onto next. A lot of it was hard. Right now it wasn't.

Neither Sasuke nor Naruto had cast their eyes downward openly, realizing this turf is strange and they didn't need to make it any moreso. Sasuke cleared his throat, reaching around Naruto to grab one of the sponges. Naruto looked at him confusedly for a second. Sasuke raised his eyebrows as if wondering why that was. He held it under the shower head, deciding it was full enough of water, pulling it away from the downpour and over Naruto's head, soaking him unexpectedly. Naruto's surprised squeals of mild terror amused the raven-haired boy, who smirked victoriously at his friend.

"You bastard!" He choked out, pointing a finger accusingly at the other. He grabbed the shower head by the hose, pointing the nozzle directly at Sasuke's face, who remained smug despite it.

"We're in a shower, usuratonkachi." Sasuke reminded, bringing a pale hand up to flick the water out of his eyes. "One might expect they'd get wet."

"Yeah? Well- well...shut up."

Naruto grabbed another sponge, deciding to start washing himself of the grime he'd collected during work today before all the hot water runs out. Which would be the first time this month, he reminded himself unnecessarily. All those damned cold showers. Which made him feel weird; and bad, because who is he to be getting ...you know, hot for a guy who trusts him? Who needs him, whether or not he'll admit that? Isn't that...betrayal, or something? He zoned out, almost forgetting the warm presence beside him, who is assumably doing the same. Of course, his hot breath and the way he managed to continue to smell like himself even in the midst of showering, with him, covered in dirt, the way he was so close to him after so long were reminders that were too difficult to completely discard.

He washed himself ritually, losing himself in the bubbles and the smell of Sasuke's soap. Not entirely forgetting Sasuke himself. He wondered how he looked right now. Hopefully not quite as awkward as he felt. He also wondered why it mattered, because he probably wasn't being watched. Sasuke's just not as ...curious as he is. Though he's not as convinced about that theory as he wanted to be. Everyone got curious. Not everyone got touchy-feely, not everyone kissed, not everyone got emotional, sad, hurt, and um, yknow, aroused by one particular person without calling it something more than an experiment. He didn't think this was being curious. He'd been curious in school about girls, but... They never made him feel like this, not even close. He'd loved girls before.

Unfortunately he just never felt the way about them that he felt about Sasuke. Not even close. What do you even call that? _Is_ he gay?

Sasuke's mind was less busy for once. Naruto's eyes were closed, Sasuke's slipped. Naruto was well-sculpted. There were a number of jagged -and smooth, and other strangely patterned- scars amidst his skin, some light, a sort of orange tinted beige, others a deep maroon. Those ones went deeper, he thought. He wondered why his Kyuubi hadn't healed them. His eyes didn't wander. (Yes, they did. And all your observations are logical, planned. You're not being honest. You're trying to pretend you're not feeling anything.) _I'm not_. (You always are. Maybe you always will.)_Can't you stop?_

(Can't you stop?)

"Naruto." Sasuke spoke clearly, so as to be heard over the pattering of the shower, to be heard over the own annoying ringing of his thoughts. Naruto met his gaze intensely, as if understanding what was on Sasuke's mind from his tone of voice. More persistently today because he wasn't sure what they were anymore. He wasn't sure what Naruto felt like they were. And the way he knew what he was going to ask, the way he oraced himself to answer it again and again, the way he saw it coming on, the way he had to go through trouble day after day just to relieve Sasuke's insecurities. Why? Why him? (Why are you worth it? Are you worth it?) _Am I worth..._? "Why me?" He asked.

"Because... you're Sasuke." Naruto answered simply. "Whatever else that comes with it, any problem, we're just gonna have to face it, 'cause we have to. I can't explain it."

"Because I'm...me?" He repeated, dumbfound. He'd never gotten a different answer. For an entire year. He had relied on the simplicity in Naruto's voice, the way he'd keep saying the same thing, regardless of what head told him about repeating himself. His answer... what had changed? And why was he still so sure? Him being himself-what did that have anything to do with it? "But I'm... I'm...? What if I-" (What if I can't be who you think I can be? What if I'm not that Sasuke? What if I'm not the person you believed in?) But Naruto didn't listen. He shook his head, silencing any worries Sasuke was about to spur on him. He leaned in, slowly, bringing his hand up and cupping Sasuke's face. Sasuke's breath hitched. Sasuke met his eyes nervously, (nervously? Why are you-why is he nervous?) unsure of what was happening. What was Naruto doing? Didn't he love Sakura? (It would leave him better off than loving y...)

Their lips met. His mind stopped its taunts. His heart quickened and his face turned pink again but he was... fine with that. He found himself closing his eyes before he finally sank into the feeling. The water patted harder against his back and he forced himself to loosen up. Chapped, full lips pressing against his own. Naruto's. Naruto. He relaxed. Safety. Safe. It's Naruto. Clumsily, he responded to the kiss- as well as he could. Moving his lips back in an effort to give Naruto the signal he was alright, signal him that he could pull a little harder, that he wouldn't break. Naruto understood, and their lips started mingling, new and clumsy with horrible rhythm but they didn't notice.

'_Because you're Sasuke_,' he considered idly, his mind now much quieter. Curiously, his eyes opened, studying Naruto's form. He wrapped his arms around Naruto, one around his shoulder, hand playing in the wet hair at the back of his head, the other under his arm, sliding across his back. He still tasted like he did when he was twelve. How is that even possible? It was odd to be touched affectionately. In the bizarre territory, under the water, pressed up against Naruto's bulkier form, he was calm despite this. Perhaps he understood what Naruto meant. '_Because I'm Sasuke...' _

"You're okay with this?" Naruto asked, when Sasuke finally reasoned it time to catch a breath. "I mean...?"

"It's... because you're Naruto." Sasuke muttered, leaning his head into the crook of his (friend's? Boyfriend's?) neck. "I'm okay with it. Because it's...With you." Sasuke frowned at himself inwardly, trying to find a way to summarize, to say it in a way that would make sense, in a way that Naruto would know means everything. His head started to blare with ways he could have rephrased it, but it didn't matter. Naruto leaned in, his lips coddling Sasuke's with a new purpose.

"What are we, then?" Sasuke managed to ask at another breathing point. Naruto's hands wrapped around Sasuke's waist reassuringly, thinking it over. Sasuke's arms trailed along various parts of Naruto, mapping out his body with motive. His eyes followed slowly, possessively.

"I guess... I dunno. We're just... Naruto and Sasuke."

Sasuke thought that over for a minute. He leaned up, this time softly pressing a kiss on Naruto's forehead. His hands reached out to turn the shower off, twisting the knob until the water spurred and died.

"Naruto and Sasuke." He nodded in agreement. Naruto grinned brightly.

(You're trapping him with you, now? How selfish.)

"I'm still..." The older boy trailed off, unsure of how to warn the blond of his state. Dripping wet he went over the different ways to phrase that he was unsure of himself, not wanting to scare him off but finding it unfair to stick him with someone like him, who argued with himself and couldn't choose a side. (He knows. He believes in you.) _Which is why he deserves a proper warning. _

"You're still Sasuke." He pointed out as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Maybe for him it was. _He believes in me... _

For once, he waited anxiously for the voice that lingered in the backdrop of his mind to come and reveal some revelation as to why this was going to fail, why it had to fail. For once it didn't.

(You'll just have to believe in him, too.)

_I do._

|| End ||


End file.
